What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
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At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Baller is short for ballerina
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I missed you with all my darts
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT