men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.