Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Become ungovernable.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]