At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
San Francisco has too many rules
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me