Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
😆this is so true
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.