my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
love it when they get my name right
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved