“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
That’s it.I’m out.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Sounds like a bargain
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.