I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
plant them where lol
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices