The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!