Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.