Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Print is alive and well!!!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.