{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.