Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
i want to work in this restaurant
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I was up all night reading about insomnia