[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.