Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Hit me in the face with a bird
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system