i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
You Might Also Like
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
🦝🔥🦝🔥
So glad we cleared that up
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*