I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
You Might Also Like
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
WTF
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.