[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”