-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.