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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*names my little horse OneTrick*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice