Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?