I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
gm
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.