I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
You Might Also Like
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee