If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side