Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*