My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses