Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.