FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
next question.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in