day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
mmm onion ringos
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I think they could have phrased this better
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
How it started How it’s going
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.