There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
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