At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”