I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books