[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day