I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I鈥檝e been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn鈥檛 cake?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
You鈥檙e telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Do men still open car doors?
That 馃憡
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn鈥檛 take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted