Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.