My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers