My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?