Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Message from the dog groomers
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok