Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
![]()
You Might Also Like
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
![]()
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
![]()