dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
You Might Also Like
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I unironically love this joke.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.