This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
a fate I wish upon no one
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.