My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER