Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba