My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The funk soul brother
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
The three genders
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.