Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.


If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.


Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.


Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat


By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?


Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.


And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”


You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.


My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.


Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.