Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
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Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
#FunnyLife Insects
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis