but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
There’s never enough good news
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it