I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You Might Also Like
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
When your parents check you’re ok.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.