Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
This is me
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???