Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
![]()
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
![]()
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.