I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger