So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me too door. Me too.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.