I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I don’t think my car can fly
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I love the National Park Service.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.